Sometimes Forlorn

Photograph by, Jessica Jenne

An interesting word to roll around in your mouth…forlorn.  To feel forlorn can mean feeling, lonely and miserable, desolate, hopeless.  There’s a another word that better reflects where I am during my personal moments of forlorn, that word is, deprived.

What do I feel deprived of?  Contact, heart to heart contact; the kind that warms you on the inside; the kind that breaths a sort of passion that leaves you breathless; the kind that exists even in silence from across a room.  In short, I miss being in a “relationship.”  

Don’t get me wrong.  The majority of my life is spent without this feeling, but lately from time to time when a certain song plays or I inhale a breeze that carries sweet smelling cologne or while I sit on my couch and watch, “Pride and Prejudice.”  I’ll miss the lean in, knowing he’d rather be cheering while the Knicks pummel the Celtics, but for me he’ll spend a few hours with Jane Austen.  Yeah…I miss that and the missing of it has me sometimes, forlorn.  

I’m a Christian woman who has spent years in hot pursuit of discovering who I am in Christ.  It has been a very exciting adventure.  Strengthening my character, developing my ability to be really okay with the woman God created me to be.  Oddly enough, the more comfortable and accepting I am of myself, the stronger my desire becomes to share my life with someone else.

Dilemma…I’ve never really dated.  I’ve been in relationships with some amazing men.  All of which grew out of friendship, at least on my end.  Men usually know when they’re in pursuit.  But, there was a kind of development that took place in an incubator; one being high school and the other college.  Now I’m in the outside world wondering when my he and I will meet.  I know he’s out there, but in the meantime...Ah the meantime…Yup forlorn.

Some may say, “If you know he’s out there then why feel that way?”  Well, because I’m human and until he arrives my arms are still left empty.  There are particular conversations that are left unspoken; a particular kind of sharing that goes shared.

I know I’m not the only single Christian woman who deals with a personal brand of this, but many of us don’t say it because of what others might think.  When these feeling are left in the dark they leave room for shame and can escalate into a kind of depressed state.  We can begin feeling wrong for being weak enough to go…there…

Hey, these moments of forlorn can actually be viewed as a positive thing; God giving us the desires of our hearts or better yet, telling our hearts what to desire.  He’s opening us up to the possibility of sharing our lives with someone else; letting us know that the time is drawing near for us to meet our, “significant other.”  

For a while during the discovery of me, I wondered how or even where he would fit into my life.  But now there’s a certain excitement, an interest in knowing who God will send my way.

You know, forlorn doesn’t seem to be the greatest word for such a positive moment.  What shall we use?  Privileged that we have a Father who’ll give us signposts when it’s time to move on to new levels.  Optimistic that the time we’ve taken to learn who we are in Christ will lead us into relationships that will be greater than any we’ve known thus far.  We are focused, on allowing the Holy Spirit to remain a lamp unto our feet, guiding us in every aspect of our lives.  We say so long forlorn, and hello grateful, for the understanding that when we step out of isolation, we can step into the beauty that is connectivity.

  

Huh interesting…Pretty cool to…I think I’ll go watch Pride and Prejudice!   Thank you for listening, talk to you again soon.